I lied

You see, I'm not one to lie. I'm awful at it- I don't have the memory to remember what and how I lied which always screws me in the end. I've learned the hard way.

How sad is this: I remember the exact last time I flat out lied. It was June 2012. Wes was deployed and was nagging me about making a ring payment. Long story short, that morning I lied saying I had paid it. I had every intention on paying it that afternoon but I was hospitalized with preterm labor. So ba-bammm! I was caught.

I have yet to live it down- rightfully so, I guesssss.

So when I lied Monday and yesterday, I almost felt a little guilty. ALLLLMOST.

8 years

It's been 8 years since I found out I lost my baby. I was 20 weeks at the time, sitting in a room with my 3 year old and 1.5 year old, husband, and an ultrasonographer. Within minutes of walking into that room my world came crashing down around me.

I woke up that morning hoping to find out the gender of the baby only to end up deciding what funeral home I wanted to go through. It was the hardest blow still to this date that I've had to take.

I used MySpace and Facebook to vent a lot during that time. I found comfort in writing and it was a nice peaceful outlet. During that time in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out and the last thing on my to-do list was talk to people. Social media gave me a way to receive the support but in ways and at the times I was mentally ready to. When you are suffering from overwhelming grief, many things can set you back. It's hard to fight towards the light and during those moments you are trying, the last thing you want is someone to remind you of why your heart constantly aches. The support I received was amazing but definitely overwhelming at times. Thank you to those who stuck around and hugged me even when I didn't look huggable.

Here's what I wrote 5 years ago: