8 years

It's been 8 years since I found out I lost my baby. I was 20 weeks at the time, sitting in a room with my 3 year old and 1.5 year old, husband, and an ultrasonographer. Within minutes of walking into that room my world came crashing down around me.

I woke up that morning hoping to find out the gender of the baby only to end up deciding what funeral home I wanted to go through. It was the hardest blow still to this date that I've had to take.

I used MySpace and Facebook to vent a lot during that time. I found comfort in writing and it was a nice peaceful outlet. During that time in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out and the last thing on my to-do list was talk to people. Social media gave me a way to receive the support but in ways and at the times I was mentally ready to. When you are suffering from overwhelming grief, many things can set you back. It's hard to fight towards the light and during those moments you are trying, the last thing you want is someone to remind you of why your heart constantly aches. The support I received was amazing but definitely overwhelming at times. Thank you to those who stuck around and hugged me even when I didn't look huggable.

Here's what I wrote 5 years ago:

Three years later

"Broken" 
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s&ob=av2e

I must have listened to this song a million times. It was on repeat for months. It was the only thing that felt like it understood the pain. No one around me understood the horrific pain I was going through. I felt completely alone, though I was surrounded by many people who cared very much for me. I was mad at the world... I was mad at God. Why would he give me such an amazing gift just to take it away?! Why would he flip my world upside down?! Did I do something to deserve losing a child?!

Three years later and I could barely remember the name of the song. It amazes me how such daily staples can change over time; How feelings can change. Exactly three years ago, I was mad, angry, confused, and very hurt. I was carrying around a dead baby and there was nothing I could do to change that. Just that morning I woke up and was so excited to find out the gender of the baby that I was carrying. We had planned the day out and even brought Mason (who was 3) and Saydi (who was 1.5) with us to the ultrasound because we wanted them to see their future sibling. Little did we know that the world was going to come crashing around us and our poor kids had to be right in the middle of it. They did so good that day though (I think they knew something was up). They did so good for months after when Mommy would just burst out in tears at the most random times. Mommy eventually got better though and three years later, she isn't nearly as bitter and angry as she use to be =)

Over time, I've learned how big of a blessing I was given. Something that use to be sooo very hurtful is now something I look back on and actually smile about. Mathew may have only been in my life for 20 weeks but his work with God has left a lasting impression. I appreciate life now and all the little things. I'm a totally different person because of it and I'm very thankful for that. I've gained so much from a situation that I thought could only be thought of as a loss. Not only did I gain a child who looks over me, but I've gained a sense of life, a true appreciation for every day that I wake up and am able to smile, something to look forward to in my after life, a ton of emotions (I cry over everything now... but that's probably because of all appreciation I've gained for the small things),  and even 20 pounds to boot =).  And one thing I'll forever be thankful for: the fact that my husband stood next to me through it all. I was a mess (to say it lightly) for many months, but he was right there every time I needed him. I don't know what I would have done without him! Thanks babe!!!

My Mommy is a survivor, Or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night And go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach That never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mommy, Who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others... A smile of disguise.

But through heaven's open door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mommy tries to cope with my death To keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her Knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mommy Through heaven's open door...

I try to tell her Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her... Or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, talk to her... And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says... No matter what she feels.

My surviving mommy has a broken heart That time won't ever heal

 (¯'·.♥ Mathew Charles Vincent ♥.·'¯)

July 22nd, 2008

(Passed away due to a knot in him umbilical cord)